Our babies seem to enter the world with a magnificent innocence and intense newborn wisdom. Ethereal beings, who's faces seem to communicate a knowledge of universal secrets beyond our reach. Is it little wonder that most parents want to connect with them on the deepest of levels? It's hard not to feel as though this new little person has always been part of you and finally your souls have been reunited, with an understanding and a connection deeper than you have ever known, before.
Then...fast forward 3 days, when the drugs and endorphins have worn off, your baby realises what hunger feels like, you realise what a postnatal, exhausted body feels like and suddenly your souls don't seem quite so aligned!!
Shortly after this, parents often find themselves at a cross roads confused about whether to allow their babies instinctive wisdom to run the show or whether they should take the reins themselves. Of course, everyone will be willing to share their opinion on this, from relatives, to neighbours, to the woman in the post office! Just in case that's not enough, I'll now share my thoughts on the subject with you, as well!
There's no doubt that babies are born with natural survival instincts and an attraction to the things that feel and taste good. Beyond that, however, life is a whole new experience for them, as is the human body they arrive in. Surely its our responsibility as parents to guide and support them through the inevitable physical discomforts and emotions of life?
The advantages of having caring parents could be described as something akin to having instructions for your new flat-pack furniture or even having a local tour guide when you visit a foreign city. No matter how friendly your guide is though, what use is he if he lets you lead the way without volunteering any of his insight? Okay, so he has yet to get to know you and your interests, but his knowledge may priceless, in just the same way that a parent's insight into human physical needs is essential to the comfort of a new baby.
Yes babies have instincts but so too, do parents and they are equally, if not more significant to the survival of their young. In every David Attenborough documentary you've ever watched, you'll notice that the safety of baby mammals is always dictated by the parents, not the offspring. Even activities such as when to feed, when to sleep & when to play. Interestingly, the minute a human female gives birth to her first baby, she also gives life to an enduring counter-force called mother-guilt, which becomes easily influenced by the media or well-meaning friends, when trying to tap-in to her own natural instincts. Why are we so very different? Are we fearful that our babies will stop liking us and won't want to be our best friends anymore??
It's always a shock to discover how quickly your quiet little newborn suddenly becomes a strong impulsive toddler. It's then that the desire to be our child's best friend is really put to the test and we find it harder to understand, let alone identify with their choices. However, with experience comes the realisation that many of their choices are not consciously made and many are far from rational. Their reactions are often driven by frustration or physical discomforts, that they are years away from being able to fathom. We've all encountered the young child who freaks out when his mum says it's time to leave the party. But is it helping them by permitting these outbursts to dictate the choices we make for them, or are we reinforcing this as an acceptable and valid means of communication? Most parents quickly learn to recognise such triggering situations and so develop the graceful art of avoidance. To many, in fact, this may be preferable to admitting that our little soul mates and buddies will eventually need boundaries and dare I say the word, ...'discipline'!!!!
I came up with the idea for this post when noticing how many of my clients struggle with making clear rules around bedtime, a situation of course, that's impossible to avoid and that many young children and babies learn to resist. In households all across the world this is often one of the first situations that a baby gets to encounter house rules! Among most families, night time sleeping is a non negotiable fact of life, although many of us feel guilty enforcing it as though we are being selfish and considering our needs above those of our babies even though they actually need twice the amount of sleep that we do!! So, is there an alternative for those who prefer the avoidance method in this instance? Sure! A baby who is left to decide bedtime on his own! I do know of families who consciously embrace this particular freedom but I doubt the approach will ever catch on!!
Babies and children take time in getting to grips with the human sensations and emotions that parents are already familiar with and often become confused, frightened or overwhelmed while learning to recognise them. In failing to notice this, some parents miss the opportunity to model the confident energy that they want their children to develop over time, and instead react with frustration or anxiety, often making the child even more unsettled as is often the case when an over tired child won't sleep.
A confident parent, who acknowledges their child's feelings and responds with love and respect, needs make no apologies, even if it they have had to lay down some guide lines and simple family expectations in the process. These ought to be as clear cut as the rules we make about not playing with matches or crossing the road. No guilt and no second guessing. Confusion and hesitation will only teach children to feel anxious themselves or perhaps even push them to take on a leadership role in the family, instead. Either of those outcomes seems like an exhausting prospect for the child and certainly a challenge for any parent who is trying to be best friends with them!!
This year I reached my first decade as a parent and have learnt that the relationships I have with all my children, are constantly evolving and just as the their needs change over time so do my own. Eventually we'll come full circle and I'll get my chance to be annoyingly dependant and probably a bit confused too. But today, my job is to be their parent. Flat-pack instructions or a tour-guide when necessary, and I will not feel guilty for insisting on the things that I know will keep them safe and healthy and for teaching them about love and mutual respect. Like all other parents, I'm still learning on the job but if I do get it right, then maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be lucky enough to find friendships with some amazing adults who also happen to have been my babies, once upon a time, long, long ago.
Katie Cortes
Registered Midwife
