Is your toddler calling all the shots?? 4 tips you need to try!!

During the course of my workday (and night!), I come into contact with lots of different families. While dynamics and parenting styles differ from case to case, lately I have noticed a trend that appears to be tipping the scales of balance and harmony within many of our homes. Forget the screen time debate, plastic vs wooden toys, or if you should go for the third child; all these things pale in comparison when it comes to the importance of being able to decide on one simple factor: Are you willing to say “NO” to your child?

To foster their development into successful adults, childhood is where the magic happens. No one will ever love your child the way that you do. Fact. Wouldn’t you rather their lessons be served up by a loving adult (you), rather than by a resentful teacher or irritated peer, not so far down the track?

Not convinced? Consider this:

Tom is a toddler. Tom challenges his parents by only agreeing to eat chocolate for dinner. This means his moods are erratic, his health is compromised and the other kids are starting to demand choccy for tea, too! His sensible and assertive parents decide to rid the house of the sugary treats and serve up vegies and an array of other delicious and healthy foods for dinner instead. It takes a few nights but eventually Tom gets it. He eats his dinner, his moods return to normal and life goes on.

Now take a look at this example:

Jessie is a toddler. She challenges her parents by refusing to go to sleep until midnight every night. This means her moods are erratic, her health is compromised, and her siblings are starting to play up at bedtime too. Her guilt-ridden parents decide that in order to avoid the conflict, mum must sit up with her, watching TV until she doses off at 11pm, every night. It takes a few months but eventually mum and dad get it. Jessie is in charge. 

JESSIE SHOULD NOT BE IN CHARGE!

What’s the difference in these examples? Saying no to chocolate for dinner is non-negotiable. It’s obvious that a poor diet is bad for kids. Yet, astonishingly, when it comes to setting boundaries for sleep, so many parents are terrified of upsetting their children, even when poor sleeping habits have a similar impact on health and behaviour.

If Jessie's folks could work out a way to take charge of bed time, they might find more time to enjoy their evenings together, and extra sleep for everyone, would likely result in more pleasant family dynamics.  Most importantly,  rather than the usual frustration & resentment, they would experience more loving feelings towards Jessie at bedtime and less stress and disruption for the other kids too.  Win! win!

Is it time to take a look at your life and ask yourself: “Is a toddler really the best person to be controlling my family?” If the answer is, "No", you may find the following tips, helpful.

1.     Be assertive. Instead of asking “Is it time for bed now?” Simply state “It’s bed time!” and proceed with your routine. No shouting required, you’re calm and confident because you ARE the leader.  Good leaders ALWAYS maintain a balanced energy, so if you don’t feel confident, FAKE IT!

2.     Give choices, but make sure they are choices of your own choosing, first.  For example, if your toddler refuses to brush their teeth, give them the impression that they have some control over the situation, although we all know who’s really in charge, here!  Either they can go to bed with dirty unhealthy teeth or they can go with nice fresh teeth. Bear with me on this, but if they choose the first option then go with it (for one night at least), it’s highly likely he or she is stalling bedtime and calling your bluff. Two can play at that game and it means they just end up in bed even quicker, so it’s highly likely they won’t refuse, two nights in a row!

3.    Give them things to look forward to. Avoid getting trapped in a stand off,with your toddler by keeping the  process moving. Think ahead and always try and have a way to encourage your toddler onto the next stage of the routine. For example,  tooth brushing games, or having a race with your child to bed, are always fun.  Another effective tactic is to have stories in the bedroom rather than on the couch, as this will be something for them to look forward to, only when they have jumped into bed. However, when choosing the books, state how many and do not allow them to negotiate more than that. 2 or 3 is plenty.

4.    Model self-worth. You are not being selfish wanting time for yourself. Having clear boundaries is a good way for your children to learn about respect; for the needs of others and themselves.  

While I am not advocating living in a dictatorship, I am suggesting that as an adult, you are in the strongest position to make healthy choices for your family. Someone needs to take the lead and it cannot be the baby or toddler! Being in charge means that sometimes you are going to have to face the wrath of your family’s youngest members. I am here to tell you that in the case of setting clear boundaries, tantrums, tears and terrorism are part of the package - and that is completely fine!

After all, everyone gets annoyed with their boss, sometimes!

Love Katie

Katie Cortes
Registered midwife

Katie's Babies Sleep Solutions & Newborn Support, Melbourne, Australia
www.katiesbabies.com.au

Rethinking Mother's Day

 Mention Mother’s Day and women the country over let out a collective groan. Unless our partners fulfil very specific requirements including, but not limited to, breakfast in bed, a sleep in, flowers, hand drawn cards and a sentimental (but never tacky) gift then we feel let down and take to online forums to vent our frustrations. “Why can’t I just have ONE DAY that’s about me?” we bemoan “Was he such a dickhead when I married him?” we cry.

When your expectations are set to the standards dictated by marketing campaigns and carefully curated Instagram feeds then it is no surprise we respond like this. We are being served the biggest load of bullshit about motherhood everywhere we turn! But reframe the bigger picture (no, not the family portrait your husband has had printed on canvas for you, in your imagination) and you can not only enjoy this Mother’s Day, you can make every day feel like Mother’s Day.  

Want to spend the day quietly seething that the kids climbed on your head at 6am and eating lunch with your mother-in-law at an overpriced restaurant where the best you can hope for is a glass of House Red and a wooden spoon from the Mother’s Day school stall? Or would you rather spend it doing something more meaningful, taking the opportunity to truly celebrate mothers in your community? Here’s a few suggestions to inspire you.…unless you choose the wooden spoon and the glass of red in which case, cheers!

1.       Invite your sisters, mums, in laws and besties to the Mother’s Day Classic in Melbourne

You’ll be raising money for breast cancer research and you’ll be so out of breath that when you ignore your in laws, you can just blame it on the exercise! Plus, you’ll be surrounded by other like-minded people and be inspired by just how awesome women truly are.

2.       Visit Emergency Services in your area

Do some baking with the kids and drop off yummy treats to all the mums giving up Mother’s Day to spend it working in Emergency Departments and Police Stations. Supporting women who are the backbone of these sectors is a nod to female empowerment. Better still, research services in your area that support families of kids who are in hospital. Put together some care packages and brighten a mum’s day who really needs it.

3.       Spend the day with a double-parent

Know someone who is doing the work of both parents on their own? Make them breakfast in bed and give them a sleep in. Bloody hell, make them the hand drawn card and a non-tacky sentimental gift. If there is one group of women who deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day, surely mums who are doing it solo are it!

Now that we have the day itself covered it’s time to address the age-old, socially complex question of why women suffer life overwhelm. Luckily, the answer is simple: It’s our own fault! Before you punch your computer in the face, stick with me and I’ll tell you why this is good news.

If we’ve painted ourselves into a corner by never setting boundaries, we can quickly and easily put some in place and suddenly, we will have the time and the space we crave each Mother’s Day on the daily. Want an extra hour every day to spend doing something you love? Hint: no one will set and maintain your boundaries for you. This is work you have to do yourself, for yourself. Here’s a few ideas of areas that may need some attention:

·         Boundaries at work. If you are replying to emails at 9pm or listening to your boss vent about her love life during your lunch break then it’s time to insert the crossed arms lady emoji and stop that nonsense.

·         Boundaries on your social media. Connection is constructive, time wasting is not. Download an app that will limit the time you spend down the Facebook rabbit hole and reclaim your evenings for hobbies and passions.

·         Boundaries with your partner. If you cancel your own plans every time he has to work late or has a conflicting schedule then the implicit message is that your time is less valuable. Pay a babysitter the first few times it happens and watch how quickly your time is suddenly treated differently.

·         Boundaries with the kids. How would your life change if everyone slept in their own bed and actually stayed there all night? Only one way to find out! ( I can help you with this one.)

Let’s give ourselves what we need every day of the year instead of waiting for that second Sunday in May to do it. After all, an investment in yourself is an investment in your family. Happy Every Day, mums. xo 

www.katiesbabies.com.au